Most people I know are turning 30 this year. I know I’m not alone. I wonder how each and every single one of them is dealing with this big milestone in life.
It’s crazy how fast 12 years passes, yet when I think of all the little individual moments, days, things I did during that time, I did a lot, whether it be studying, going to concerts, parties, hiking, visit my family, going to festivals, hanging out with people, moving about 8 times in the last 12 years, working, and so on …
Yet I wish I made more use of my time. Oftentimes, I wish that made better use of my time to improve my life. I’ve mentioned this to my husband a few times. He always replied with, “It builds character.” I know it does, and I know it’s made me who I am today, but still … why couldn’t I have balanced that with other parts of my life at the same time?
I remember turning 20, and while everyone was making a big deal about being out of their teenage years, it made no difference to me. In fact, I got a tattoo as a milestone.
I think I liked turning 20 because of my overprotective parents. I moved away to university, met some new people, found a boyfriend, moved in with him… little did I know, my education was on the decline. But I hadn’t realized that yet, and I was happy and free. When I was 20, other than my situation with school, I felt like life was awesome. I was free, did what I want, and life was good.
Now that I’m nearly 30, I realized it wasn’t. I realized this in recent years. If I were put back in my 20-year-old shoes with my 30-year-old mind, I’d hate my life. I’d slap myself. I’d ask, “What the heck are you doing? What I would give to be at your age right now, going to university!”
Turning 30 and Going Nowhere
Now that I don’t talk to many people, I guess I can’t really tell how they’re feeling except over social media. On social media, they aren’t making a big deal out of it, but if they are, they’re usually celebrating. So really, I don’t know how many out there are not happy about turning 30 like I am.
Even though I have had some huge life changes this year, such as moving to the US from Canada, purchasing a house… I feel like I have done nothing with my life. But the truth is I haven’t done much with my life at all, so of course, I’m going to feel that way.
By not having done much, I mean having a career. I guess I value that more than I think, but I don’t like to put myself out there. I don’t want to put myself out there… but I want to want to put myself out there if that makes sense.
Three Weeks Before Turning 30
I was sitting on the couch with my husband, and I was looking at the calendar to make some future plans. When I looked at the calendar, I realized that at that very moment, I was turning 30 in less than a month. It hit me like a barbell to the face.
All along, I knew I was turning 30 soon, but I didn’t realize it was in less than a month. I became so depressed, I just started to silently cry. For the next two hours, I was overwhelmed and teary-eyed. My head was down on the couch armrest, and I was just slouched over in sadness. Everything seemed wrong. Not just my past but my present and my future seemed all wrong. The fact that I left my parents in Canada made me feel even more depressed. The thought of me not being able to spend time with them whenever I wanted to for the next, who knows how long, made me even more depressed.
So many different things ran through my mind that night. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t been dwelling on before, but that night was the worst.
One Week Before Turning 30
Today is one week before I turn 30. By the time I actually publish the post, it will likely be days before my birthday. I am still not thrilled about turning 30, but I am doing much better than I was two weeks ago. Of course, I still think about my past regrets. I still think about life, family, whether I’m ever doing the right thing in life … that’s for another post. But ultimately, I am feeling better than I was two weeks ago.
I hope I do things better in my 30s than in my 20s.
Well, I didn’t actually finish my post. I’ve been 30 for over a month now. I gotta say, I do feel pretty normal now, except I make more “It’s because I’m old” comments now. Emotionally, I feel fine for the most part. The only thing that bothers me is that I need to start thinking about starting a family. I don’t necessarily want to, but I need to start getting that idea into my head because after all, I am already 30.